What not to say during 'Live Models' class:

I just came (THREE TIMES!! LOL!) from my first class of Live Drawing 102 and that shit is great. The Teacher isn't much of an orator. And every one was on pins and needles waiting for the nude model to come out. Of cos' all I could think of was the naughtiest shiznitle ('opens hand, puts palm to face') things to say.

• "Hey, could you um, spread those...apart. Yes, I'm sorry, but I'm far better at drawing caverns and shadows!"
• "Should we get nude. Y'know to make her feel (failed to mention the femaleness of the model) more comfortable."
• "Duct tape. Duct tape. Duct tape. Duct tape. Duct tape. Duct tape. Duct tape. (Deadpool joke? YES!)"
• " (audible whisper) THIS CLASS IS FUCKING AWESOME. I GET GRADED BY THE BOOB."
• " I know I'm not supposed to have a boner, because it's art or whatever, but I DO. I REALLY DO!" Girl from the class: "Shutup! You're freaking everyone out!" Me:" I KNOW!"
• " What if I'm so good that we end up using my drawings as models if the models don't show up?"

That last one might not get you (aka me) kicked out of class but the others should do the job.

I think this is therapeutic as well as helpful (cause those two things NEVER EVER-VER go together :). I could list all the possible phrases that could possible-ly get me kicked out while a live model is nuding it up on the stage and avoid them!!
OR this could lodge in my brain and I say them everywhere I go.

It's a nervous feeling in class because there are OTHER PEOPLE joining in my professional voyeurism. It's not the butt and tits that make it weird which is weird to write here...on the fap-ternet. But the reason a lady's private parts are taboo at all is because they're..well, private.
Doug Stanhope has a bit on this. (My stand-up comic in me feels the need to mention this at this point) If the girl next to me bends over and I can see her cleavage, I'm all like "Oooo titty!" shifting my focus from the nude model on stage. Either way, I see shit that everybody outside (and a fair amount inside) the door of the classroom would freak out at so I'm a Pleased-Panda.




Failed at finding the damn picture of Deadpool saying duct tape. So here's this:

He's crazy.


CRAZY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Edit: Retractions: It's the complete opposite when you're staring at wing-wam the entire 2 and half hours.
In summary,

Boobs:

:)

song playing in my head: "Oh Happy Day" from Sister Act 2: Back in the Act

Dicks:

:(

song playing in my head: "Thank You For Being A Friend" from the Golden Girls (well, that song gets a lot of play in my head regardless)

The Title is a lie! And so is the cake.

"Something more than a blog"? Where do I get the balls?

Anywho, I love the Orange Box...trailers....for XBox 360. What a marvelous idea! Package all your good stuff into one ready-to-buy package. Kinda of like what Atari and the Vanilla Ice did. Best of's.

No kidding, Vanilla (somehow I wanna type Vinillia, that's how I say it in my head) Ice has a Best of album. I found out here. This gem from the Aaron Carter: Most Requested Hits(?) review bares repeating:
-------
Best Moment:
"That's How I Beat Shaq," in which a 15 year-old white kid tells his friends how he met Shaquille O'Neal on a playground and schooled him in a game of one on one. In the end though, it turns out to be a dream! Aw hell naw! We didn't see that coming, yo! But wait, there's a twist! At the end of the song comes the line "If it was a dream, and it wasn't real, how'd I get a jersey with the name O'Neal?" as if to imply some Freddy Krueger shit had just taken place. His friend's reply with a shocked "whooooaaa!" Our reply? "You probably bought it at motherfucking Foot Locker, now go do your homework."

------------

"Some Freddy Krueger shit" classy.

Well, that was a waste of time. I need to finish my late color wheel and pretend to my color theory teacher that I give a damn about how my project on all colors is going to look.

Seriously, the project requires you to make a tapestry of color, a glorious montage of color on a 11X 14 (not sure of measurements) bristol, where you cannot use the same color twice. OH, and all the strokes required to put the colors down? It has to be the same stroke for every color. If it's a circle, you're looking at some pointilism shit. If it's a s-curl, it looks like an ocean that was thrown up in.

Dr. Marcia Cohen? What the flip doc? Doesn't doing the same move over and over again bore the, already, less enthused student about color?
WAIT. I saw some of her past students work and it didn't look like boring crap.
My guess is: if you are a painter type artist, you'll thrive.
"Oh, your area of expertise is photography? Well you better fuckin' pray to carpenter Jesus that Rembrandt inhabits your soul for the next two months cause your up some shit!"

I gotta try really hard if I'm going to pass this class.
Which sucks, cause I know I'm not.
I gotta trick myself into getting a B.
"What? (Raises hand) Teacher? Uh...Ms....Dr. Cohen? I think this is wrong. I don't remember doing a coloh, uh, colon, uh, color wheel! This baffles me, teacher! It truly baffles me!"

Good morning y'all.
I'll make sure to say something funnier next time.