So....are you joking...?

Modest Proposal

Andre Churchwell

There is a problem in our dear country; one that we will no longer be able to avoid for much longer. The United States of America is going down the pipes. Once a sterling beacon of potential for national discourse and eliminator of woes for the world, we are being lobbied into self-centered, over-weight, medicated trouble makers with power inherited from a harder working generation and civil rights being rolled back that was earned by a bolder generation.

Americans have found importance where there is none with Anti-Gay Marriage Acts, Anti-Flag Burning Acts and video games/rap songs/anime shows that might influence an innocent child to violent acts.

The United States media creates this middle ground of confusion for its people where we are the best nation in the world (I agree, but now that’s like being the best dancer in a one-leg handicap hoe-down) and told not to worry, while also saying that the world is extremely hazardous and danger could strike from anywhere, at any moment.

This seems to get crazier as it goes along. The only thing that could cease it or turn this generation to a hopeful direction is for a great change that would otherwise not naturally happen. The American people usually unite and cause this everlasting type of change when an event takes place such as a great tragedy. A tragedy such as Pearl Harbor, the World Trade Center, the assassination of Martin Luther King, etc. motivate the populace with fear, which turns to anger then to action (sometimes good: Joining the Allies to fight the Axis, sometimes bad: DC riots, War on Terrorism).

This nation is long past due with dealing with the issues that cripple us and keep us from un-ending liberty (the condition in which an individual has the ability to act according to his or her own will) and is long past due for a revolution from the current passive-aggressive ways of dealing with our problems.

“A little revolution now and then is a good thing; the tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants.”

-Thomas Jefferson

I will now propose my own plan of action, which I hope us brave few will not be liable to the least objection (the least of all me).

I have found, not through my own work but from the diligence of the first-rate team on the humor website Cracked.com, that scientist as well as nature it self are well on their way to creating a zombie horde who may or may not eat our brains as well as the flesh we walk in. Not only that, but horde will be imbued with the ability to transfer the zombie prognosis to whomever they choose to bite.

With the proper funds and moral support, the United States can be the first nation with a zombie invasion. In as little as two to three years, we could be engulfed and engorged with the living dead. The Second Amendment will be impractical no more. The ready, willing and able will mount a heroic precedent in history. The things that truly make America great will shine through at last. The right to arm yourselves with anything money can buy mixed with a free market have yielded guns being bought wholesale at K-Mart. This will prove beneficial and for certain would not have been useful for any other purpose.

The common threat of undead humans flooding the streets (whether they actual will devour our brains as science fiction is still uncertain and would be helpful in knowing so as to fund Anti-Zombie Helmets) will unite those of strong wills to stand up and start anew. The government will prove untrustable as they will most assuredly be blamed for the accident and the ensuing mass chaos. It has not been determined whether toxoplasmosa gondii will be the way to go (as it controls mice to the point that it tells them to be eaten by a cat so that it can control the larger mammal) with it already infecting half the human population as I write or nanotechnology run amok, but fortunately, if funded correctly all these will end up causing the zombie apocalypse we so desperately need for focus on the truly important issues: health, social welfare, and autonomy from a government gone wrong.